Soliloquies of a Thespian

Bubble Time

2010-11-02T12:25:00.003-04:00

I've been going through a lot of motions lately. Expecting people to say certain things...being aggravated when they don't. Expecting people to come through for me...being annoyed when they don't. Expecting friends to at least...the very least...understand where the fuck I am coming from before judgement is passed...and feeling DONE when they don't.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and what I find is...I don't ask for much. I know who I am, how I am, and what I expect from people. I can't talk anymore because I am tired. The tide is changing. I'm thinking this is a sign that my focus needs to be put on my goals. I need to breathe them that much more. I'm trying to NOT think about how I'd like a companion...a boyfriend of sorts. Funny thing is...I don't even know if I am even ready for one. Probably not. I just want someone to just BE there that LISTENS and just holds me when I cry...being ok if I soak their shirt with my tears. I'd love it if this guy was tall, dark, and handsome. Hey, I can still use my imagination dammit. Just having someone there rain or shine that's PRO Katie. I have yet to come across someone that gives of themselves what I give of me.

I'm tired.

To STFU or not STFU

2010-09-20T12:16:00.002-04:00

So in this past week I was told that I am a "difficult" friend and I really don't see how someone could not take offense to that. I was told that I am "emotionally unstable, an extremist, one-sided, and a cool chick but kinda nuts." This was only the tip of the iceberg. I wont elaborate any further on that but I'm extreeeeeeemly bothered right now in this moment. When I was like ok you know what? I'm going to fall back, like for real, I was told, naa then you wouldn't be you.

*blank stare*

So now I'm left to think well then why the fuck even say that to me then? I was also told that I probably have friends that lie to me because they know that if they tell me the truth or something that I don't want to hear then I would wild out.

*deep breath*

I did some quiet reflecting last night and did to decide and go ahead and just quiet it down. I will just save my "emotional unstability" for my craft. I'm laughing as I type this because there is not a damned thing wrong with me.

"I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit." ~ Erykah Badu

I can tell you what I do know about myself: I know that I have always kept it real with people. I am consistent. I don't change for anyone. I have moods like anyone else, but dammit, I am consistent.

A Few Changes

2010-09-17T17:09:00.004-04:00

In the past weeks I have started the blog of K.Mack Brand and my thought was to kind of merge this one into that but I feel like I've been more personal here so I will keep certain thoughts here. Someone said to me recently that all my thoughts go into blogs and I laughed and said "if only you knew..." I'm so used to being in front of a laptop that by default some of my thoughts are relayed into the keyboard but most aren't.

To catch you all up I've decided to move to the West Coast this time next year to work my craft. In reality, it's the only thing I want to do. I feel fearless about the move and know I will do will (with very important and strategic planning of course), but there is a tiny part of me that is scared of the change. You guys already know how I worry about certain things. But I know I just have to DO it.

My nephew turned five months old on the 7th of this month. *sigh* He's definitely still hanging in there. I pray for him so much. Today he was supposed to have a trach tube put into his throat and my mom said they didn't do it today, she's not sure why, but I will find out when I get home. My first question when she first told me this was: is this supposed to be permanent? She said no.

*sigh*

He's a strong little thing so I have faith he will be okay at the end of this storm.

I start acting classes again this evening so I have been anxious to start for a while now. I need that. I crave to be on stage. I have a bunch of other classes lined up to take outside of this program in the next couple of months so I am on the ball. New headshots will be taken next month and I will FINALLY be able to get my MacBook Pro. Thanks to my little monster niece, Elle, thinking my laptop was a trampoline, the screen is cracked and I am just SO over that dinosaur.

I looked at it as YES! I finally have a NEED to get my Mac as opposed to just wanting one. However, I am NOT liking the price tag.

*blinkblink*

Though I love my new blog to death and you will get to see a different and somewhat more vibrant side of me, sitting here typing this out makes me realize that I miss just being able to free write into this blog. And not really have to analyze what I'm typing. I have dozens of blogs to catch up on over here and I am going to try and find some time to do it soon.

Anyhoo - I have to jet... what have you guys been up to?!

Moments...

2010-08-06T09:24:00.011-04:00

I hadn't realized that it's been over a month since I've posted. Hello to my new followers & readers. You guys must be as nutso as I am to want to hear about my life =)

I was skimming through some of my posts and felt like I don't have enough "happy" posts. The truth is this...I'm just not that kind of person. I'm not overly excited all the time and I'm super mellow. I'm a very complex individual and it usually takes me a lot to post - despite my love of writing. I'm always trying to edit what I will post in my head for fear that I may be too much for people. *kmackshrug* I can't really concern myself with that so I will just let the words come how they need to.

Lately I have been overwhelmed with my life. I mean, I have my moments where I am actually in what seems to be like a good place but as of lately...not so much. Remember my 6 month old nephew that was born premature? Well come to find out my brother was sitting on the fact that the right side of his brain isn't functioning correctly and I highly doubt that he will be coming home. The day my mom told me this was the same day that she woke up and said "Something isn't right with that baby and I couldn't sleep all night because of it." She'd told my brother that she'd wanted to go see the baby and why, and he ended up telling her the news. He's known for awhile but whether he was scared or defensive or whatever reason he felt...he didn't want to tell us.

My mom called and told me this at work last week and I cried for the rest of the day and my eyes burn just by typing this.

My nephew's mother is a former crackhead and seemingly current one but yet my brother is in extreme denial about this so the only thing I can do is pray for him and my nephew in the hopes that they both will be well. I haven't seen my nephew since the last time I went to see him and that was when he was around a month old or so. It completely wrecked me and changed me seeing that little boy so small and uncomfortable with all of those tubes hooked up to him. I broke down and cried the entire time I was there with him. So tiny and so helpless. All I could think was 'Damn, he didn't ask to be here...like this.'
I may go see him this Sunday. I will.

This morning I sat on the train in prayer. Letting tears just run down my face as I hid behind my Wayfarers. I had to thank Him for the blessings that I do have and thank Him for carrying me on the days that I just cannot. Today is feeling like one of those days. I needed Him to know that even though I am heavily conflicted about the path that my life is on, that I do have faith that I am on the right one. It's hard to keep faith sometimes. It really is. I feel like I just keep getting hit from all sides. They're all body blows that are starting to break me down but still I try to remain focused.

I've decided to stop going to this six week acting course I am taking and head to William Esper for their program. I do not like the way my current instructor teaches at all. His style is so unbecoming and distracting, and it really pisses me off. I knew in walking out of that class Wednesday night that I would not be returning and that instead of inspiring me in my work he had me dying to leave. I will lose some money but my tolerance and state of mind is more important to me. I love my craft and he makes me never want to be in a room with him discussing my craft ever again.

I have a voiceover audition today and I hope that it works out because voiceover work is something that I've wanted to get into for years now but have never just went ahead and did it. For me acting is not about wanting to be this superstar and live the high life. Acting to me is in my soul. I NEED to do it. It's the only outlet I have to get out of my head and just...BE. I get to be myself with no holds barred and even though people think "Oh acting is so easy...," it is the farthest thing from it. It takes extreme discipline, dedication , and determination. Yea I may be able to get some work now but my goal is to be working when I am 40 and older. It takes years of crafting this art. I'd rather know what the hell I am doing that just up and move to LA like loads of people do in the HOPES of becoming an actor. When I go to LA it's not going to be any "I hope I make it." It's going to be I AM MAKING IT.

When I'm around other people I find that there's a seriousness/maturity about me that not a lot of people possess. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I know that my makeup will ultimately be my success. Not makeup as in M.A.C *which reminds me, I have to re-new my membership*, but makeup as in the way I am composed - or made up.

In the past couple of weeks I have been disappointed by friends and family and sometimes even by my own self. I am working on the self part, but as the days go by I can't help but to feel like the only person I can put my trust and faith in is that man upstairs. I feel like in the real world I'm starting to shy away from more and more people in fear of not knowing what their true intentions or motives are and it sucks but in my acting I have to let ALL of that go and be completely in tune with someone else. I love that.

I have a lot of shit on my mind but I can't seem to sort it out fast enough to get it in this post. So surprisingly, I may post again this weekend.

What I DO know is that the more and more I sit at this desk working for someone other than myself...the more and more I am despising this life. I have been mentally conflicted about this for weeks now. I've given myself 6 months to be in a position where I no longer have to work for someone else. This means major moves have to be made as of yesterday. I've been working on it to the point of exhaustion. I've been praying on this incessantly because this is not me and I know there is another way. I find that every single time I hear my name being called to do some mundane task my chest tightens and hair on the back of my neck stands up. Granted...I am thankful to be working, but even the Lord knows that my time and patience here is very limited. It's time to take a walk because I'm on fire right now.

In the words of my homegirl, Tiffany Black, I'm an actor...they don't get it.

The Process of Breaking Out of the Box

2010-07-07T12:59:00.004-04:00

Being an artist is difficult in so many ways. Half the time I swear out of all the people I am around, NO one truly understands me and how I am...and how I think. I'm finally at a place where I don't NEED anyone to understand me or anything about the way that I AM. I know everything about me..the flaws...my hangups...what I'm scared of...what makes me happy...what WILL make me happy. I know it. As long as I know it, no one else doesn't necessarily have to.

I'm sitting here looking out at the city from 36 floors up off of street level lost in thought. I find that again...I don't want to confide in anyone but the keyboard. I worry alot. I worry about my mom and her lack of sight and always wonder if she's ok when I am not home. I worry about my brother and the way he thinks and processes things. He's a father of two kids and his situation is very unstable. I worry about my niece, my baby girl who is only 3 and try to make myself the most stable person in her life. I worry about my 6 month old nephew who was born premature and is still in the hospital. I worry if God hears me when I talk to him...if he hears me asking for strength when I'm on my knees...if he even pays me any attention because I pray so much. I worry that someone will walk into my office and see my sitting here typing with tears falling down my cheeks and think that I am some psychopath. I worry that maybe - just maybe I won't fulfill my promise to my Dad of "making it." I worry that I may not be able to get my mom out of the hood. I worry about my own health. I worry that one of these days that I will be so busy trying to motivate others to be extraordinary that I will lose myself in the process of being extraordinary. I worry that maybe no one will ever see all the passion I have in me to do what I love. I worry that my love for anyone else in a romantic sense...is lost.

I'm always trying to help people and I tell myself this all the time...Katie, you need to help yourself first. I think it's just IN me to want to push people but I'm feeling like that needs to come to an end. I once wrote in a personal monologue..."I know what it feels like to be in a room full of people and still feel alone" it's the truth and it's very befitting now. I feel like the only person who is really gonna be there for me is me. Lately I've been working on my focus. It's difficult to streamline your focus when you have sooo much on your mind...so many things...chaos.

I hope this greatness that has my chest on fire doesn't go to waste...and so I keep striving to breaking out of this box that I feel is holding me captive as I try not to bash my head in the wall from frustration. Everyone is too busy these days for me. Busy can be good but if if I need to talk and can't get more than a one word answer response that's a problem for me. Call it what you want - selfish, brat mode - wtf ever. I used to think that friendships are relationships that you have to nuture. Then along came the internet and every other technologically advanced way of communicating and you have no more phone calls and no more handwritten notes. You have every kind of messenger and 140 characters.

*insert long and drawn out sigh here*

I wish I could take it back to the way it used to be. But since I can't, I will make my way up out of this box.

Walk By Faith, Not By Sight

2010-06-29T11:24:00.004-04:00

Lately I have been giving thought to leaving my 9 to 5 to live out my passions. The thought of going somewhere to make someone else money hurls me. Back in the day, I'd straight walk out of a job if I wasn't feeling it. My tolerance for bullshit is lower than ever and this is bullshit. I mean it's cool and of course it pays the bills but is this what life is just supposed to be? Having "stability" to pay some damned bills? I wonder what life would be like if there were no such things as "money" and you got to get everything you needed strictly off of your attitude towards life. I sit back and I really think about what would make me happy and the majority of the time I am UNhappy due to monetary woes. Always stressing about this or that. That's really the only major issue I EVER have. I know that when I start coming into long money that I'm still going to live life with a "poor man's" mentality. I know I'm going to be scared to death to never be broke again so I'll hold on to and probably just invest it.

All this leads me to wonder about really leaving my job. I don't have any major responsibilities. I don't have any rent, or any kids, or any car notes or anything like that - but I do need to find an apartment before the year is over. I do want that MacBook Pro. *sigh* I figure maybe the best thing for me to do is wait til the end of the year and just keep stacking. My problem is that I've been trying to do things the right way. And in doing so, I keep coming across people that felt as passionate as I do about my stuff and actually decided to leave their day jobs to pursue their dreams. I keep thinking about the details though. Did you have any money saved up? Did you not and just decided to wing it? What about your bills?

*insert scream here*

I know it's probably bad but my world revolves around money. It sucks because that's all I know.

***I started this post on 6/29 and a few days later I am still feeling the same way - no I am feeling ever more passionate about it. I proabably should NOT have hung out with my dude Mr. Black of The BLACKCollection because messing around with him, he's have me walk into the office in a few hours talkin' about, "well ya know....this isn't really working out for me..."

*blank stare*

LMAO

What I DIDN'T know about him is that he quit his job in DC to come BACK to NY to follow his passion. I swear, if I hear one more story about someone quitting their jobs to do what they love....

I DO believe people come into your life for a reason. Situations and even thoughts cross your path and mind for a reason. I DO feel like you can manifest your thoughts into reality...so with that being said... I wonder...

...what exactly am I waiting for?

On the Verge

2010-06-24T16:51:00.003-04:00

I sometimes wonder if you guys (my readers) think I am a nut job. I honestly couldn't tell you because I just do and say what I feel. I wonder, why the hell would someone be interested in reading my thoughts because I can barely DEAL with them. But let me start by saying my photo shoot went phenomenally well and if you guys want to see some behind the scenes looks you can catch them here. I can't wait for the next one and am extremely excited about a model that I may be working with.

I think now is the time to rant:

1. I feel like in any industry it's imperative to FOLLOW up. if I reach out to you to follow up and you never respond, I don't care WHO you are, your credibility is shot with me.

2. Models need to be mindful of etiquette. Being late, talking too much, not offering any kind of thanks for working with people. Trust - I won't book you again.

3. I wish everyone would stop trying to be someone and just be themselves.

4. I feel like I don't spend enough time with my bff and honestly feel like I am losing her.

5. Speaking of friends, I always speak my mind. I feel like there are certain boundaries in EVERY friendship that shouldn't be crossed. For business or personal. Maybe I'm the loser for thinking this, highly unlikely though. I feel like I'm starting to question people around me and I don't like that feeling. well...actually it's cool, because I feel like the older I get, the more introverted I am becoming anyway. I am seeing the riders fall off my rollercoaster and only time will tell who will be amongst whose left to celebrate with me.

6. I've been so frustrated to tears lately and it's killing me. I'm tired to talking to ANYone really because they either don't respond or don't say what I want them to say anyway. So i've been trying to sort stuff out on my own.

7. Me trying to be morally correct is not working in my favor. What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin.

Life is hard.

I just wanna BE...

2010-06-15T11:50:00.005-04:00

I've been extremely busy as of late. So I've decided to take this moment to just write. Not really sure what about specifically but I do know that right about now I am stressed and my patience and cool level is just about gone. In the past 24 hours, I've been doing major thinking about what the fuck I am doing with my life. I recognize the different faces that I put on depending on the situation and surroundings - shit, I feel like my personality has a mind of its own as of late.

I went to an event last night and despite the energy level being positive and cool, I felt myself begin to slip into a mood. I'd ran into someone that I had went to cooking school with and she's doing big things and I was so happy for her...until she said "What are YOU doing?" I think she wanted - or expected me to start talking about where I was in regard to my culinary talents. I just shook my head and told her I'm not cooking anymore...that I feel like I lost it way even before we graduated. The friend I was with is also doing major things in that field and I couldn't help but to be stuck on where I am as far as my career is right now. I feel like, even though this is seemingly like a really good year, I still feel behind a shit load of people. I feel like everyone else is atleast knee deep in their career and I'm still testing the waters with my big toe. And the fact that I keep thinking about my age doesn't help.

Granted, last week I booked my first major event to style and it went really well. I had my bff along, who I've brought on as a partner in my company, and despite my reckless nerves, she managed to calm me down and get me to a point where I just do what I do. It was a charity event for FashionOnFulton that took place in Brooklyn at One Hanson Place. Pretty major. All the models were women which was perfectly fine because I can style either. =p I met and connected with some great people, and if all goes well, we'll get to travel to London later this year.

Yes, I received the credit as Wardrobe Stylist and I'm super excited about that but that just makes me feel like I have to sit down and strategically plan what I want to happen. That's fine and all but I always get stuck. I know what I want but always get caught up in the mapping of the road there.

In other news, and I can't recall if I've shared this all with you before and I am too lazy to look, but some of my work has been selected to be published..like...in a BOOK. It's under my pseudonym ofcourse (romantic erotica) but I feel good about that. The pre-release event takes place Aug. 21st in Secaucus, New Jersey if anyone is interested in going let me know.

I'm back in acting classes next month thank God. I've been really missing that in my life and can't wait to jump back in. If you don't know - there are only 3 things that I want to do in my life. Act, Style Men, & Write. K.Mack Brand is all of those things. I think I may be out of it because I have been busting my ass to familiarize people with the Brand and not taking time to even breathe. I'm trying to do way too much and all I need to focus on is this because THIS is essentially what WILL be my bread & butter. It's interesting to me though because on Twitter, i can motivate people all day long, but when I step away from Twitter and sit down and reflect on my own ish, it can be difficult to motivate myself at times. I'll be the first to tell you it's hard as hell to be positive 24/7. It just doesn't work like that for me. I try my best but damn...I'm only human.

The human in me has been showing out lately. Like, out of my grasp. Crying myself to sleep most nights, randomly crying in public...thank GOD for my trusty Wayfarers. I never leave home without them, nor will you probably ever see me without them unless it's night time. I have this thing...I don't like when people look too intently at me.

I've been combatting my issues and past relationships with dudes and I think that my heart is so fucking battered that it even brings me to tears writing this. It just hurts. I can't lie, I'm afraid I am broken behind my past two relationships. Between the ex leaving me for someone else and the dude I dealt with after that come to find out was just fucking me...I'm kinda like what is the point of it all. Everyone around me is on their marriage ish and Icant.com with it. The whole kids thing, all that stuff isn't for me but damn, if I don't wish I had someone to just confide to, to just hug me and listen and tell me things will be ok. Someone who actually asks and really cares how my day is going. No one ever asks me that. Ever. Someone who looks forward to hearing and/or seeing me. Yea I hear all the you gotta be happy with yourself first and all that shit and I know what I have to do to get where I want to be career wise but there's only but so much of the "independent" shit I can take. I WANT someone there for me because honestly, this lonely feeling is for the birds. I know all too well what it's like to be in a room full of people and feel like there is no one there.

Anyway, my shoot is this weekend of the guys for my website debut this summer. I am doing Summer looks and will do a Fall shoot end of August to post both together. I am majorly stressed about this as well but like everything else, I will just pray on it.

A Melange of Sorts

2010-05-03T16:47:00.005-04:00

I woke up rested and surprisingly energetic after completely assassinating my body last night doing that Insanity workout. I don't know who told me that I was tough..but sheeeit, I know I am now. you can't tell me NUFFIN.

Shouts to all my people who came to support me at the Fashion Show. Here's a couple of pics until I get my hands on the rest of them. (I'm the 4th pic down). I had fun despite sitting around for five hours. THAT I can't get used to. *shakes head adamantly* No Ma'am. I don't proclaim to be a model in any way. Hell I've done it and will do it because I CAN do it, but it's all for the bigger picture. My publicist was there with me to remind me to be nice. It just amazes me how people claim to be a professional this and a professional that and not have a fkn clue as to what they are doing. Case and point, a chick that was a "hair stylist" did my hair. First of all, my hair is short. It takes me 15 min tops to bump it - THIS chick took 50 minutes to create a mess. Everyone who stared at me while IN her chair KEPT staring when I got out of it. THAT's how bad it was. And she had the ABSOLUTE nerve to say "Yea I'm more comfortable doing long hair."

DEAD.

Hair "stylist" you are not.

Moving right along and wishing I didn't have that Chipotle for lunch...*rubs belly*

Things are feeling really good to me right about now. I am starting to let go of the excess bullshit in my life because it serves me no purpose. I am coming across a lot if inspirational people and my circle is getting tighter and tighter. I am accepting no new members. This is it. Who ever is in - we ridin' high.

I really LOVE my peoples. They support me like no other and I appreciate that. Even the people that I DON'T know that are supporting me...it's crazy.

My finished head shots should be in my possession tomorrow or Wednesday the latest.

*******

My mom just called me at work to tell me that my nephew, who will be one month old, God willing, on the 7th of this month was transferred to a pediatric unit at Columbia Hospital because he has an eye infection. His name is Savion, and he was born as a two month early premee. *sigh* I believe he's at 2.8 ounces now but please keep him in your prayers because I am trying MY BEST to send him positivity but Lord knows its hard for me to even combat my tears as I type this.

Borderline Manic Mode

2010-04-30T13:24:00.005-04:00

Lately i've been feeling like all someone has to do is snap their fingers and I will instantly become this raging lunatic. I thought I knew what stress was before (waiting to the last minute to write 12,000 words in one night), but NOW?! Stress has a whole new meaning and looks a whole lot different to me. I'd like a vintage bottle of anything please. Things and people seem to grind on my nerves more than ever now and I really want is a day of silence. I find myself closing my eyes and counting to ten a lot. Usually when I open my eyes the problem is still there. Ugh.

On another note, I am walking in a fashion show tonight at Hunter College. I'm walking for LaureLuxe That's a lot of sexiness she has on her hands. My sexy + her designs = ABSOLUTE MADNESS.

Come out to support me and the K. Mack Brand if you can.

I haven't eaten yet and it's sad to say I'm thinking about waiting until after the show because I felt fat in my fitting. Apparently I'm thicker than most of the girls for most of the pieces. A piece was found for me but just when I thought I was at my perfect size, and my goal weight had been achieved, i was forced to actually stop and think like damn, I'm a tall size 4 with a lil bit o hips and some booty...where am I going wrong? But you know what? This is the least of my worries because I know I look good..in EVERYthing I put on.

Putting together everything for my Brand, and for the Magazine is taking it's toll on me. My Faith is unwavered, but damn, if I'm not reaching my wits end. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and am doing the things that I am supposed to be doing but damn if I don't crave to see the light.

I've decided to update/rant on Tuesdays and Fridays. If I am late, you can chew my head off. =)

POW!

2010-04-21T14:46:00.008-04:00

I've been more than a little busy as of lately and it's definitely a good thing. I can't recall what 8 hours of sleep feels like anymore. All I seem to know is what I feel like on 2-3 hours of sleep. But hey, I'm not complaining! LOL.

I did my photo shoot with Kareem Black this weekend and it went very well. I, for one, do NOT like to take pictures when the focus is solely and seriously on me, If I'm messing around with my girls or something then cool, yea, I'll cheese it up for the cam, but photo shoots make me feel like I have to think too much and it freaks me out. But Kareem made me very comfortable and put me at ease with a 2% nerve factor still standing. Not bad at all. Very laid back and extremely comical dude. Love him. I need to work with him again. STAT. I have a couple of pics that are my faves but they aren't retouched yet. They look damned good the way they are in my opinion. But I will give you one to peek at. =)

What do you think?

In other news, I went to see August Wilson's Fences last night with Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. PHE-NOM-ENAL.
The entire cast was excellent and I wouldn't have picked any other actors for this revival. Here's a shot from outside:

There were buses pulling in of people that put together bus trips to come out to NYC to see this play. I can't say I blame them at all. It was magnificent. I laughed and I cried. But then again, I cry for everything. Here's the set:

l had a pretty damned good seat if you ask me.

I had an epiphany as I sat there during intermission on my freezing hands. This is the 2nd time I've been in such close proximity of Mr. Washington. Within arms reach and in a scene with him in American Gangster and then here at the Cort Theatre. My body started to tremble non-stop while and after I was thinking about this. I took it as a sign that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I don't sit and just watch and enjoy performances. I study them. I analyze them. I think about what kind of prep the actor does for his or her scenes. I don't particularly ENJOY the show like everyone else does because I am still working. Nevertheless, I was beautifully inspired from August Wilson's work and the actors who portrayed the characters.

Speaking of, I have started Katie Mack TV and I hope all of you tune in. it'll be me...acting. =) It should be good.

I have lots of things brewing and they are all good. I don't want to say anything just yet, but trust you will all be in the loop very soon.

BTW - I'd especially like to thank everyone who donated to the HeadShots4Katie Fund. Know that I appreciate you. i hope you feel it's worth it when I post the pics. I know I do. =)

Caio for now!

Going ons and such

2010-03-25T13:35:00.003-04:00

Top of the day to you all!!!

I just wanted to update everyone on what I've been up to. First and foremost I FINALLY have a shoot date for my new headshots. THANK GOD! I'm shooting on Saturday, April 17th with a DOPE photographer named Kareem Black. Don't be trying to go and get him for your headshots because he doesn't even DO them. I just got the hookup =)

So I am HYPE about that.

BIG shoutout to everyone who contributed to The HeadShots4Katie Fund. You will see where your money went shortly!

I'm having the homie MUA Shereen Nicole get me extra gorge for it. She's on Twitter @ShereenNicole

I've been working on getting my other photoshoot together for my Menswear Styling portfolio/website. That will take place late April or early May. The models I have are eatable. Love them.

Also been working on my online magazine. No. I can't disclose any details about it other than that but trust me you will know when it's time.

I've also been writing alot (around my battle with writer's block) and things are definitely coming along.

I am in great need of a full 8-10 hours of sleep but hey Branding is a 24 hour thing so I'm not mad.

Whatever you are working on, stay determined and focused. Success isn't too far off.

Denzel on Broadway

2010-03-08T11:57:00.003-05:00

Top of the week to you all. I hope everyone is doing good.

I just wanted to let everyone know (if you haven't heard by now) about Denzel Washington coming to Broadway next month in August Wilson's Fences. I am in there in Tuesday, April 20th at 8:00pm. One of my monologues are from that play and I am HYPE to see it. Viola Davis is also performing in it and I absolutely ADORE her.

If you can come out, please do as tickets are going fast. I can't wait to see you!

13 WEEKS ONLY
PREVIEWS BEGIN APRIL 14

BOX OFFICE NOW OPEN

A Celebrated Cast
A Legendary Play
The Must-See Event of the Season

Two-time Academy Award® winner
DENZEL WASHINGTON returns to Broadway, alongside Academy Award nominee and Tony Award® winner VIOLA DAVIS, in AUGUST WILSON's Pulitzer Prize-winning play. Acclaimed director KENNY LEON helms this strictly limited engagement.

Both a monumental drama and an intimate family portrait, FENCES tells the story of Troy Maxson, a man torn between the glory of his past and the uncertainty of his future. Emboldened by pride and embittered by sacrifice, Troy is determined to make life better for future generations, even as he struggles to embrace the
dreams of his own son.

PERFORMANCE SCHEDULE:
TUES 7, WED-SAT 8; WED & SAT 2, SUN 3

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT: FENCESONBROADWAY.COM

checked out Katie @IfICanDream

2010-03-04T00:16:00.000-05:00

checked out Katie @IfICanDream

Check out my online audition on MySpace for The Next Hollywood Star contest. Make sure you vote for me. EVERY DAY. You know I mean business.

If you aren't a MySpace member, BECOME one to support me.

I appreciate yall.

XO

Change is Enroute to Moi

2010-02-28T17:14:00.004-05:00

Hello all, I just wanted to update everyone on what's going on and reach out to say hello =). As you all know I've been off my rocker for the past several months but I think it took for all of those obstacles to get my behind back on the right track.

I am working on a number of things under a project I dubbed Buzz Control. This project is all about building the Katie Mack brand and getting myself out there. I am working on some things that will be up on YouTube very soon. My YouTube channel will be Katie Mack TV. I'll be showcasing a slew of different monologues, some writtenby me, some improv, and some skits. I'm really excited about this entire project. I am also working on some other things but I will not say too much about them at the moment as I want to see how things play out.

If I were you I'd spread the word. LOL.

I am also in the process of updating my headshots and have created The New HeadShots 4 Katie Fund. I am still accepting donations through PayPal. (kmack78@gmail.com)

*stare*

Yes I am serious and I'd like to thank those who have contributed.

In the meantime in between time I have work to do.

I'll be here every week.

I promise.

QuickSand

2010-02-07T19:47:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to let you all know that I am alive and well. Just dealing with a whole lot of obstacles right now. I feel like I am trying my best to be open and available for opportunites but yet some hate always seems to seep into my soul. I wonder and wonder is my path supposed to be this difficult? Is this God's plan? Is he really preparing me for the successes of my life? Is He testing me? Because if He is...I really feel like I am losing my footing. I feel like I am losing myself in this..struggle. In this wanting something so bad that I am willing to risk SELF for it. Passion as strong as mine is hard to come by and the people I do see succeeding in certain areas...they don't have the PASSION. I feel like I am in quicksand fighting for my LIFE.

Some days I have no clue where my mind is and others I'm stressing because I am not getting any younger and the pressures of being at a certain level in your career at certain ages weighs on me like a ton of bricks. I have some addictions that I can't seem to shake. Not drugs but damn if they don't feel like drugs.

I say all this to say that in the more recent weeks I've been weeding out "friends" from fair-weather friends. Because when shit hits the fan and you go through something....regardless of whether or not people wanna hear shit about tough times..your friends SHOULD be there for you. I'm noticing alot of people that are calling themselves my "friends" are just lurkers. That is one thing that I am not allowing to happen anymore.

Cut.

Where my REAL friends at?

Scrooge McDuck

2009-12-20T22:35:00.002-05:00

I abhor the holidays. It's just way too much for me and I don't have patience. I had on my seemingly duck hunting hat today and everyone swore I was going hunting...hence my title today.

I am just in a real emotional RUT. I can't fucking shake it. I still cannot believe this dude straight abandoned me. R. Kelly has a song on his new album called Elsewhere and it's about a breakup. He's talking about how his love and pride he has for this woman has kept him there and that she'll be loving and living and laughing elsewhere but he'll be there thinking about her. He's wondering if it's their biggest mistake. He's questioning if he ever meant the same to her and why would she do these things and put him through this pain. Did she not think it was worth it? If love was what they had then what could have been so bad that she won't fight or try to keep it together but she'll do it elsewhere.

Needless to say, I listened to this for the first time heading to work this morning and I just wept. I listened to it the second time on the walk home and just felt my chest tighten and it seemed like two hands were pulling my heart in opposite directions.

The reason I do not believe in "love" is simply because when I allowed myself to BE in love and to start trusting....I was left. It makes me wonder everyday...yo...did I not mean the same to you? Did you not love me as hard and as deep as I did? Shit makes me cry angry, hot tears every single time I think about it. If you love someone like that don't you stick by them through thick and thin? Especially if you were building a foundation for the future? DON'T YOU FUCKING STICK BY THEM THROUGH THICK AND THIN??????????? DOES ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME? CAN ANYONE FUCKING ANSWER THIS QUESTION??????

It ain't even about him at this point. It's about me. I fucking hurt. My hurt keeps me unfocused and my pain keeps me feeling bitter about alot of things. I can't foresee anyone ever being able to break down these walls...I just can't.

From Dark...to Light...to Dark Again

2009-12-14T21:23:00.004-05:00

Everything around my bubble seems really suspect. I think that bc of things that have happened in my life...I just can not be bothered. However, my focus is getting clearer on the things that I need to be doing and am working on. My patience is still nil and I think that if it's possible for it to get worse...it will. I'm finding it easier to not speak to people as much and like I usually do...not speak as much as people around me might. You learn so much more when you just observe and listening. Being a great actor requires exquisite listening. You can tell so much from someone by their actions and movements. And within the past two weeks, I have been GOOD. From people telling me that they pretty much can't see me as an individual, to people backpedaling on their word. When you realize that you can't control someone's actions and the only actions you can control are yours...things become much easier. I definitely am going to follow through on the idea of meeting new people...I need new experiences in my life. One thing that I have let go of is wanting to be in a relationship. It just doesnt work for me and my heart is so beat that I don't have the energy or even the will power to think about it. I am surprised it is still beating. Something I read recently..."Broken hearts never fully heal and haunt you for life even if or when you find someone else..." I know that mine will never fully heal and it's not even about the dude have any kind of power over me bc I'm still grieving, but moreso that the scenario has affected me in so many ways that I think that in some ways, it's really fucked me up. I think that the only good thing that may have come out of it is that it's great for my acting. There are certain words that break me. Though I won't reveal what they are...it's amazing how my body and mind react to them.

I'm not going to make silly ass resolutions for the new year because I've started the changing of the way I look at certain things already. I can't just be a whole new person with whole new thoughts because one year is leaving and another is coming in..that's just rediculous to me. The only thing that I am trying my hardest to work on is being just a little more positive. Being as jaded and as cynical as I am...that in itself is a feat. I can't let you in anymore..even you as readers...things that are on my mind, I can't even put into this blog because I think it's too real and I am revealing too much of my heart. One of my problems is that I care too much and I love too hard... I suppose that's two of my problems. Someone that I consider very dear to me is going through a tumultuous time and I carry this individual in my heart and I pray for him everyday. I CARE so much about if he's ok hoping that if he needs to talk of just BE... I am here. I realize that not everyone deserves that of me and I have to really adjust that....hold that back. Hold me back.

I want to make it into the light. I don't hope that I will in the new year, I know I will. Even if it's just a little bit. I figure it can't get worse than this year and this year...I can't even put into words how awful it's been.

I figure that God still has me here for a reason. I know not what it is but he knows that I have not wanted to be here several times this year.

Show me some light.

Showing Up for Self

2009-12-01T23:55:00.005-05:00

It's hard as hell for me to push these words into my laptop. I wanted to write this blog a couple of hours ago in the middle of my class and my mood has changed but I am still trying to get it out. My darker days are back and I honestly to my core did not want to go to class this evening. I didn't want to go because I feel like shit. I feel beat down. My emotions are hanging by a thread and are ready to snap at the whisper of a wind. I forced myself to go. It's called discipline. I didn't show up for just my class...I showed up for myself. It's the only thing that I HAVE to do. Me showing up to class was me being professional and I am in every sense...a professional in this aspect. This year people did not show up for me, they did the exact opposite. If I don't show up for myself who will? I need this. I have such a dignified passion for it. Showing up is something that I have over 85% of people. For whatever it is. They feel a way and don't go. I show up. My worst days in my fake life (which is the "real world") are the best days in my real life (my craft).

Today was hard. I had to keep the smile on at work and when it was time for me to work in my element on my craft, I couldn't stop smiling. It felt so unbelievably wrong. I was so used to doing it that I was crying and smiling the same time. My throat closed up signaling me to just be silent and let it all come out. If I don't have love, my work loves me. I love me. I gotta do it for me. It's trying. But these are the days that I am growing in my work. These are my dreams. I am not a dreamer, I am a doer. In my fake life I have to start showing up too and I feel changes in my heart. To be more raw. Raw to the point where people may hate it but as long as I am being true to self it doesn't really matter.

I tried to confide in a friend today and was told "this ain't even you." It's the second time she said it to me - on the same topic. Showed me that it's time to just stop talking. Confide to self. It broke my heart. But you learn. I learn.

My good word to you all is this: When it's difficult and trying...especially about something that you have passion for, make sure you show up. Do it for you.

Something you may not know about me but I know this and it's just a matter of time...

I. Am. Legend.

"Silky & Strange"

2009-10-31T05:43:00.006-04:00

I can DEFINTELY say I am a strange individual. I have never met anyone like me and I doubt that I will...ever. I was going over what I portray versus what I want to portray when I walk in a room of casting directors. What *Matt (my acting coach) got from me is "silky & strange". LMAO. This was a couple of days ago and it still has me laughing. I don't know how I feel about "silky" but I definitely love strange. What I WANT to portray is a mix of confidence/strangeness/charisma because I know I definitely embody all of those things. *snickers* it's interesting to me how I come across to people in everyday life. People that I meet for the first time...that do not know me...find that I am funny. *blinkblink* I mean, I guess...and that's just me being normal. LOL. I'm definitely having a good feeling about some things coming up. I am thinking of going back into solitude because the more days that pass, the more I see that the amount of people who really get me is getting slimmer and slimmer. I don't care if you do or don't but the majority really doesn't and I'm cool with that but it takes away from my energy. My homegirl said to me today "think about artists and solitude and that is usually when they are the happiest and the most creative..."

I couldn't agree more.

I've come into a place where I'm seriously weeding people out. If they aren't adding to or being a part of my creative process then they have GOT to go! I'm at my most critical stages right now and my patience for fuckery & foolery right now is NIL.
I know that Meisnering has a great deal to do with me not giving a shit what people think of me. As long as I stay true to self how can I go wrong? Well actually no, I can't Meisner outside of my acting world...that would definitely be problematic *snickers* If you know anything about it then you know what I mean. I've always been humble so I have no issues there so hey...love me or hate me. To do either one requires thought =)

If I had to compare myself with a character or individual that's well known, I'd have to say Johnny Depp. *nods* That is def my kindred spirit.

Ciao for now.

*Matthew Corozine teaches the Meisner technique. He will change your life. If you think you want to test the waters, let me know. www.matthewcorozinestudio.com

Things That I Love

2009-10-20T00:26:00.003-04:00

I'm still on my adrenaline rush from my workout and I was sitting here going through my dashboard catching up on my blogs and one thing that kept jumping out at me while I was reading was the absolute love I have for certain things. Things that very well may be rocks in my future and additions to my successes. Some things...I just have a great affinity for. In no particular order...

1. Black men
2. Menswear
3. A well dressed man
4. Vintage finds
5. Photography
6. Acting ofcourse
7. The power of words
8. The power of thoughts becoming actions
9. The color purple
10. Making people smile
11. Being my own inspiration
12. Books
13. Film / Fine Cinema

I'm just feeling a way right now. I'm feeling inspired. I think I will put together another inspiration board this weekend. I need to see certain things on a daily basis to remind me that my success is not too far away.

Ciao for now.

Faith

2009-10-11T20:47:00.006-04:00

I was reading my homegirls blog The Beautiful Struggle (see sidebar>) and it hit a nerve with me. Not a bad nerve but it's just so on time. Though I am not a fan of Kirk Franklin, I did watch the video - I think it's I've Been Looking For You or something like that. It's just basically about having faith when you are struggling. Man oh man. That faith is hard to uphold in trying times. Seems like every day is a trying time for me. In not working for a year and not being able to even get unemployment for about 3 or so months...I have been STRUGGLING. People always wonder how come Katie is like that? How come Katie never smiles? How come Katie is always so serious? The answer to that is because life is REAL. I'm 31 and struggling to get the fuck out of the ghetto and out of a toxic chokehold and fuck if I don't cry every other day because between trying to stay focused and positive and in shape and optimistic, there are pieces of me that are in fact negative, unfocused, and very pessimistic. It's a daily struggle. I know in my heart that there is something bigger for me on the horizon but fuck if the path getting to it isn't getting harder.

I pray all the time. I actually always start my prayers with "Hello God, it's me Katie Mack..." because with the millions who pray all day everyday, I just want to make sure he knows it's me. Half of the time I usually end up crying mid-prayer because I don't want Him to think that I am ungrateful for the blessings I do have, but sometimes I think that even He gets tired of me and if that's true - then who do I have to talk to?

There are just a handful of things that I truly want...happiness...a mate eventually that will be as passionate about me as I am to myself...and success. 3 things...

They say He doesn't come when you want Him to but he always comes on time. I believe that...but please let that time be soon.

*Sidenote: I've stopped the emailings of my blog out because it just seems so pretentious. I'm not pressed for readers but moreso just to get my thought and feelings out when I need them. However, if you DO follow my thoughts...I am humbled that you are even interested in me. Thank you.

Being Connected

2009-10-07T20:22:00.006-04:00

When I was 16 my mother lost her sight. When I was 22 my father was diagnosed with scirrosis of the liver. When I was 25, at work, I got a call from the hospital saying that I needed to come. 15 minutes after I got there, I watched my father die in front of me. I kind of blocked out the fact that he died and went immediately into take care of business mode with all the preparation for the burial and such. When I was 27 it all caught up to me and I had my very first nervous breakdown that included a case of shingles - which you can only get if 1. you've had the chicken pox and 2. you are extremely stressed. I pretty much became the head of the household involuntarily. I had to and have to deal with a miserable blind woman who talks shit about any and everything and an ignorant younger brother. I despise both of them dearly. The main reason I do is because neither of them are appreciative. They think that I am SUPPOSED to do shit for them not realizing that I've been taking care of them way before Dad passed and I am tired. People always say "God Bless You" when they understand the situation of how I'm the one in charge and I always want to tell them to shove that shit.

I never had any family support growing up as far as attaining my goals or assisting me in things that I may have wanted to do in my life and it's cool because I've just had to do everything on my own and I don't have a problem with that. I paid for my apartments and my schooling and my car when I had it and whatever else. I am accustomed to doing shit for myself and expect no one else to even offer to help me.

What I don't like is not having a solid support system and it's hard. It's so fucking hard when it's just me trying to stay focused on my dreams and goals. I have toxic family around me that I couldn't care less lives or not. Yea people are gonna be like damn - she's fucked up. LOL yea, only when you've walked in my shoes can you say that. When your own family doesn't RESPECT you, you simply just move around them...you walk right past them and learn to not give a fuck.

There's not too much I actually give a fuck about. A couple of friends, my acting and building and perfecting my craft, and my 2 year old neice. That's it. I could give a lesser fuck about a relationship or being in one because to me, dudes are all the same. They either just wanna fuck you or they string you along and end up hurting you. It's cool and I'm not mad - that's just the way it's been in my 31 years.

Out of all this my love for acting still stands strong. In our "real" world we all have to walk around with this face on being social and shit. I've always hated it thus is the reason why I hardly smile when I am in public because ish ain't sweet all the time. You can't really tell someone to go fuck themselves or that you really don't give a shit about what they are saying and still be socially accepted. In my acting classes however, all that shit is left at the door. I can be me and be "beautiful" doing it. There's no better feeling for me than being able to connect with fellow artists. NOTHING. Knowing that I am doing something with so much passion just fuels me to be the greatest I can be. I, unlike a lot of not so hungry actors who have "made" it out there - do it for the love of the work, because just in case, I never get to where I want to be I'll still LOVE the work. I think it's so jacked how actors do it for the money - especially when they've made a great deal of it in their careers. Smh. I mean, come on...we can all tell who's good and who's not and wonder why the hell certain people even HAVE acting careers. OMG and there is NOTHING worse than a COCKY actor. You ever notice it's always the ones who SUCK? You hardly even see or hear from the greats...Jeffrey Wright...Daniel Day Lewis... Matt Damon...Meryl Streep...Angela Bassett...Johnny Depp...I mean really??? You have the ones who play the SAME character in EVERY movie (i.e Terrence Howard) having the nerve to be demanding X amount. And he wasn't even TRAINED...What kinda fuckery is that??

I went on a rant...my bad. I say all this to say that this is what keeps me pushing through. This is what makes me not give a shit about any dude, any relationship, any "friends" who can't take my honesty and decide to flake, anyone that built me up to tear me down, the Toxic Avengers who are my family, and those who could probably care less about what I have to say. I know that what I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. Being scared but feeling strangely at home every time I hit that stage is what fuels me. Hearing my acting coach tell me that the work I do is "great, wonderful and good" but not believing a word he says because like most artists, I am very self-conscious and untrusting - is what keeps my heart pumping. The love for my craft.

Now THAT ladies and gentlemen is something that never disappoints....

Believe in yourself.

Forever Begins

2009-10-05T18:36:00.007-04:00

I was trying to figure out why on Earth my arm is so sore and just that quickly I forgot that I got the flu shot today. My very first one. I REFUSE to be sick this winter and I get it every single year. SMH Sorry Charlie not this time. Hmph.

I've been feeling ok as of late. There's been some mental conflict going on but it's moreso about emotional shit like relationships. I feel like relationships are like the fucking devil - they are just NOT good for you - or me I should say. I try to have them and try them from a distance but I'm such a genuine and big hearted person that I feel like yo - 1. If I can't be separated from the rest or 2. You can't give me the time you give everyone else....I'm straight and can do perfectly fine without you. I'm not sure at what point in my life I was able to master cutting people off but I sure as hell can and do not have a problem with it. I'm thinking that it may have a lot to do with getting older and wiser as well. I find that alot of shit I see and hear from people around me in whatever form, just does not interest me. You know what interests me? Knowledge. New things. Tell me something I don't know. Teach me something I don't know. Assist in educating me. Because if I hear one more fucking comment about when am I "gonna have a kid" I'm gonna kick you in your mouth. At this rate never. So stop fucking asking me.

I attended the Maxwell concert at MSG recently and needless to say - the man can put on a show... He was capable of making me blush and make my neck grow hot in an arena full of people but made me feel like it was just me and him. There's something about those tailored suits that does it for me. What a sexy man. Although I wasn't too enthused with the wrapping of the panties around his neck that was thrown at him on stage.....*shudders* ICK. First of all you know they were more than likely dripping wet, secondly, you don't know WHAT people have, and thirdly - Not everyone is so fresh and so clean, clean. SMH. I still heart you baby but from a distance. Common NEVER disappoints with his sexy ass. He had one of my FAVE artists - Bilal with him and that made my night. *drool* Chrisette also did her thing despite the mic problems she was having.

I've been working out like I don't know what lately. It seems like it's the only thing to keep my mind off of shit that I really not be thinking of. I'm sore as hell and I'm gaining weight and tightening up *does the Wop* - Yea you read right, I have a goal of gaining 15 pounds and I've gained 7. Go me! Go me! Go me! I have plans baby and I need to be in shape for them...

You know what I am tired of? I'll tell you. I'm tired of being there for people all the fucking time and it's not always reciprocated. I've had such a horrible year that all that bad shit is going out the window along with mofos that always need to be coddled. GTFOHWTBS. I'm too old and have no fucking kids. Stop telling me your problems. Get a therapist, I have one.

My thought of the day: If it seems too good to be true it probably is.

I learned that shit first hand this past weekend.

I've been listening to a lot of Common - hence the title.

I made some bomb ass cookies this weekend that I can't stop chomping on...white chocolate chip. Holla at me if you need an order.

Stay focused.

Black Summer

2009-08-24T21:16:00.012-04:00

I was compelled to write this evening. It's been a long while and I haven't been well. One thing about depression is that the shit is so unbelievably real and if any of you all who is reading thinks that a friend of yours is depressed or is showing signs (lack of interest in anything, not eating or overeating, sleeps alot, mentions suicide, among other things), please help them. In other words...I have been depressed since May and it has steadily gone from bad to worse. Someone I gave my heart to shattered my shit and it's going to be a long while before I can trust or even think about trusting a man if ever. I cried for weeks and even tear up as I type. I cried like nothing you have probably heard as I wondered why over and over and over, not thinking that he'd ever do to me what I'd confided to him what had been done to me before.

I lost 15 pounds in the blink of an eye, had no appetite, contemplated suicide, ended up in the hospital, and on meds. I completely alienated myself from any and everything. The meds had me completely out of my mind, in the bed all day and night, nauseous, and light headed and I said to myself FUCK THIS.

I deaded the meds cold. I didn't like how they had the ability to alter my mood so severely. Even though I had those side effects, I actually forgot about my hurt and pain for a few but again I said...FUCK THIS.

My birthday was probably one of the darkest days I've had this summer. It was NOTHING like it was last year but I had to ask myself...Katie, who is more important? Him or me?

I win asshole.

I WAS worth it. I AM worth it.

I turned around in a week and my therapist couldn't believe the difference.

Trust, I have my moments and my days. This past Sunday was bad. I couldn't just think the thoughts and just feel the hurt and let it go like I have been doing. I was stuck in them and couldn't shake it. I couldn't pull myself out. I just could not shake it. I cried on and off the entire day. I didn't even watch Hung & Entourage...omg the horror. (thank God for DVR)

What has helped me through this and IS helping me is a couple of things. Meditation, prayer, reading, working out again, some words of a couple of people closest to me, and the absolute will to move the fuck out of this rotten, painful place. I am not back yet but I am enroute. I know this because my soul is calmer. I'm less inclined to snap and kick someone in their fucking face now. *woo saahs* No one can have that power over me EVER again. I can actually listen to BlackSummersNight again. I have a clear vision of my goals and know what I am doing to achieve them with more passion than a little bit. I see just how fucking valuable I am. I see just how great I am, how fascinating I am, how pretty even. I am falling in love with myself. All that love I gave purely and genuinely has been redirected to Self. I am all I have in the end. Only I have the power the heal my pain and heart with the help of God and Time ofcourse.

When a friend of mine told me she was going through something very similar fairly recently and I didn't even notice because I couldn't even picture her like this much less fathom it'd happen to her...it opened my eyes a little bit. When another friend told me that she racked her brain trying to figure out what she could do to help me because she knows when I love, I love hard and he fucked that all up because she knew how I felt about this dude...I opened my eyes a little more. It made me feel like damn, I really DO have people that care about me and really DO care.

I am by no means back 100%. I still have no desire to talk to anyone, nor go anywhere or even be outside but I do know this: I am changing. Changing for the better. This will never happen to me again. I won't allow it. If you thought I was fierce already...imagine that shit 10 times better.

I'm not trying to be cocky, I'm just being real.

KM

Heart sick

2009-07-09T20:05:00.004-04:00

I am heart sick. Unbelievably heart sick. Last night I got in bed at 7:30pm and at 1:30am I was still awake. Just fucking crying and crying. BLACKsummer's night was NOT helping me. I miss my niece, who I haven't seen in two months and not even on her 2nd birthday last month and I miss my man. Shit is like a bad movie on repeat in my mind. Like seriously...when you are with someone for two years, they become a fucking part of you...well he did for me. My mind is tripping every day all day...wondering, praying, zoning...I just do not know what to do. What's interesting is that the other side of my life...the "technical" side is working itself out. It's nothing that I have to concern myself about but fuck if I can't be in a relationship that actually fucking works. Thinking and talking about my future with you in such depth was so REAL to me. I prided myself on the fact that I was able to even discuss those things with you because I'd never done that before...with ANYONE.

I have never been so in love in my entire life. When your heart sings at the mere sight of him walking or even talking. His touch...his scent...

I ONLY WANT YOU. I'M FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH NOW. I WILL ONLY GET BETTER.

But you don't get that.

SMH.

Rant O Rave

2009-07-03T15:05:00.007-04:00

Man o man, I have a lot of shit on my mind. Firstly, my trip to South Beach was way too short. I loved it though. Though there were a few things that definitely pulled my attention away from being able to relax and not think or hear about any problems, drama, or issues, the water was able to distract me for a bit. I tanned nice and...cherry red dark. Ehhh I sunburned and I am still peeling. Ick. What I forgot to do is apply sunblock before the suntanning lotion and oil. Trial and error. It's definitely a different look over there. A nice spot to frequent but it was hot 2 weeks ago so I'd never go there in July or August.

I seriously contemplated not coming back. There's nothing for me here in NY that really needs or even appreciates me so why even bother? I ask myself that as I sit on this plastic covered couch in the Bronx...

I really, really despise people. If there's one thing that you may or may not know about me it's that. I really don't because 1, you can't depend on anyone and 2, you can't trust anyone. As soon as you do that you are fucked bc they ultimately disappoint you, hurt you or let you down and who the fuck needs that?

One of my girls asked me yesterday what was going on that I am pulling away from everything. I'm just tired of the hurt, the ungrateful, and the unappreciative. When I look at the overall pic, no one is really REALLY there for me so it's like why even front like I'm cool with everything and everyone? Not. LOL.

Last year this time I was in New Orleans, in love. This year, the total opposite. I'm actually thinking of changing my number...

I am looking forward to picking up Maxwell's album this upcoming week. Woo hoo.

The BET Awards was a hot assed mess. Leave it to black people to continually push us back 200 years and completely embarrass us. SMH. Though I will say the best part for me was Eddie LeVert talking about young Michael and how they used to "sit around n shit." Followed by "I'm Eddie, and this is what I do." LMAO.

I'm def not going to write a novel about MJ...he will def be missed. I remember my red Thriller jacket and my MJ doll. I still have the Moonwalker VHS.

I am tired of Facebook.

I am rocking this GORGEOUS purple hue on my toes by the Sally Hansen High Intensity line called Cyber. I would post a pic but I'm too lazy LOL.

I lost a few pounds since I've been back. Not good, but expected thanks to stress. I went topless everyday at the beach though. It was a good look. *wiggles eyebrows*

I no longer believe in love.

I want Jamie Foxx for just 4 hours.

I am so backed up it's not even funny.

R.I.P MJ

and just because I love this pic...

So Gone

2009-06-17T21:19:00.005-04:00

I am supposed to be finishing up my packing but I just got lazy. Or maybe it's not even laziness, it's tiredness...exhaustion even. I headed to my hair salon at 8:30 this morning, was there from about 10 to something to 2, headed to get a mani/pedi, then headed to school to finish up a final project and take a final exam. *yawn*

This diva is tired.

I cannot wait to be away from everyone and everything. Everyone that has pissed me off, made me cry, made me angry, made me feel like I'm not worth it, made me have panic attacks, disrespected me, slighted me, or didn't believe in me. I have 4 days away from my fucked up realities that I wish would just go away. 4 days to just lay on a beach and fucking eat and get wasted and party and do whatever I want. 4 days to finally categorize all the thoughts that have been plauging my mind for the past few weeks. I have a feeling when I come back I won't want to be bothered..at all. Like, just let me be me. Let me fuck up and laugh at myself. Let me stop crying. Let me continue to think that in the center of my heart I really am something phenomenal, something so unlike anyone else you'll ever meet in your lifetime.

I want some cheesecake so bad right now and it's either I make one or I trek to Juinor's to get some. I don't have all the ingredients here and I'm too tired to go back outside, and I damned sure am not going downtown to Junior's.

I guess I won't be having any cheesecake then huh? LMAO.

My effin camera broke. My beloved Sony CyberShot. *cries* I had left it in the windowsill in it's charger forever and I think it has sun damage. *SCREAMS* So annoyed. I heart that camera so much. A new one costs $400..*sigh* The Sony I REALLY want is $700. *double sigh*

Anyway...the highlight of my day was seeing D-Nice by my school. There's a few studios over there so I always see known people. He was at a stop sign in his black SUV. He looked at me for a few seconds while he waited and I looked and looked away and realized who it was and looked again. Caught his eye and he pulled off. Let's just say he is lickable.

I need to satisfy this sweet tooth....let's see if I can find something...perhaps I will return before the night is over.

Oh and shout out to my readers, lol, I have reached 10...woohoo!! I appreciate yall for reading...real talk.

Love

2009-06-13T19:52:00.002-04:00

For as long as I can remember I've always been a fan and believer of true love and being in love. For some reason I am unsure that those things even exist anymore. I believe that I have become even more jaded and cynical on the subject and have just decided to forget all about it. Why bother?

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

2009-06-13T11:20:00.001-04:00

*stretches*

I've been gone for a while, yes yes, I know...but I am back. I was and still am (just a bit) going through something like a quarter life crisis but thanks to meditation and prayer I'm alright....

I want to say that My Love by The Dream & Mariah is on repeat for me as of late...I just love love love that song! OMG seriously WHO is really fkn with Mariah??? Exactly. NO ONE. Well except Whitney and her album drops September 7th of this year. You know I'm all over that like white on rice. Not to mention Maxwell on July 7th.

*drool*

Ugh I'm disgusted that I will not be present for him at Essence this year and I really want to go...Ok I'm changing the subject now.

I have Mos Def's new joint The Ecstatic

Got it for $3.99 on Amazon. (woo hoo!) I haven't listened to it yet but I will at some point. I heard it's reminiscent of Black on Both Sides...we will see.

Also got Chrisette Michele on Amazon for $5.99 a few weeks ago.

I've listened to half of it but didn't really analyze it yet but from what I heard so far is fab in my book. I heart Chrisette. I also have Epiphany on repeat as well.

Mary J.'s new track The One featuring Drake is hot too. That's my theme right now.

I'm The One.

I'm leaving to South Beach next week and damn if it can't get here fast enough. I've been taking finals all week and my last is this upcoming Wednesday and I just canNOT wait until I am done. JEEZUS. I plan to blacken myself on the beach, eat like a fat ass and consume many an alcoholic drink. *cheese* My body is tight and my bikinis are ready to be seen.

I am working on a styling project for a friend of mine. I am thinking I may start doing it part time because this is not the first time I have done it and apparently I seem to have a knack for putting things together. We will see...as I take compliments to heart.

I've had the opportunity to catch up on my fellow sis' blogs and I am happy to be rejoining them in this thing we call blog life. You can def keep up with them through my blog roll or by following them.

On another note..aren't we sick to death of this rain?? *SCREAMS*

Out the window...

2009-05-30T12:48:00.001-04:00

*exhale*
I don't even know where to begin as my world is topsy turvy at the moment. Mentally, I feel like something is wrong with me but I know damned well there's nothing wrong with me as much as people would like to think so. I was inspired to write after reading my homegirls blog titles "It's Good to Have an Ego..." over at http://lovelyone80.blogspot.com/

She's A muthafucking right and I have to agree with her that I may not be the hottest, the smartest, or even the coolest chick out there, but fuck if I'm not Katie Mack, and I'm definitely a piece of work in my own right. I've been going through a bunch of shit the past few weeks...major stress and hurt factors and I am just plain tired of the bullshit. Tired of everyone and everything. The shit is definitely out the window. I'm in the process of straightening some things up so I will not be bothered or even affected by things anymore because even though I have my days in really believing that: I really DO have a lot going for me, and I really do have a very different path than most and it's only a matter of time before I get to where I want to be.

I've been thinking about how many people I really have in my corner as of late and sad to say I can only count on one hand the ones who actually give a shit about Katie Mack and it's cool. It leaves a very peculiar feeling in my stomach and very prominent mental note in the forefront of my head.

Today I am saddened by some things and I can't shake it but I have a shitload of homework to do so that will keep my occupied for the entire weekend... UGH.

Beauty

2009-05-07T22:36:00.000-04:00

I just effn love this vid so much I had to post it dammit. So sue me.

Aside from someone else I know...Maxwell is the definition of sexy. Damn.

Not the Best Day

2009-05-07T01:16:00.000-04:00

*yawn*
Today was not one of my best days that's for sure. I have a lot going on and it seems like none of it is too good. I've had it rough this week in class. Monday I was so in my head that after my excercise, the critique I got from Matt made me want to just be like FUCK THIS. As I sat on the stage and just took it, my defense mechanism...the great fucking wall...began to rise and it was the only thing that prevented me from crying at that moment. The critique was about 3 minutes but seemed like 20. I'm surprised I sat back down as part of my class audience after that. Today was worse depending on who's telling the story. I was partnered up with Chris. 1st time working with him. He cold read a piece to me as I stood against the door just being open. He struggled with wanting to get the lines right and saying them so quick that he had to play catch up. He was becoming frustrated with himself and even more as Matt coached him, telling him it was ok to take his time. As I looked him in his pretty grey eyes, I started to pick up on something in him that started to absolutely wreck me. The tears just started to fall and when he finished and our repetition started, I don't know what it was but my heart just fell. We were so connected and as much as I wanted to stop the tears and hide from embarrassment I felt so connected to him and knew before he said "my throat is starting to close up" what he was feeling. As corny as it may sound, I felt as if we were looking directly into each others souls and what we saw was just so...raw. So heartbreaking.
*exhale*
This is just a taste of what acting is like for me...being in the moment...studying to build a muscle of being able to be in a moment pretty much all the time. Meisner is hard fucking work. It's draining fucking work, and as much as I hate what's happening to me now in the class, I know that I'm growing and getting better.

On another note....actually since I have the biggest headache I will leave that until I wake up in a few hours....

For Better or For Worse...

2009-05-02T18:31:00.001-04:00

I feel like if you are of a certain age and want to get married and are in a serious relationship, wouldn't you act as if you are already married? Meaning, the way you interact with one another. Wouldn't it be the same if you get married? Or is it something totally different in the way that you'd act once you take vows? I'm big on love. The thought of it and being in it. As of late it seems to be fading for me though. I feel as if I'm digressing to my jaded and even more cynical ways. The thought of someone being in love with me can make my day sunny and clear even if it's cloudy and miserable outside. Being being in love with someone takes time. I don't know how much time but it takes a while. I, like many, have been through the ringer and my defense mechanisms are so extreme that I have a hard time controlling them at times. But when I love you, I love you. If I am in love with you, it really is a big deal. Yea, I can be in love with you and not trust you 100%. My heart can be yours and I can still have issues to work on but what that means is that I desire no one else. It means I am willing to work at it. *sigh*

In my opinion, relationships are the hardest thing in the world to get right and if I can't get this one right I seriously will have no desire to do it again.
I watched Maxwell's new vid 'Pretty Wings' for the first time today and I fucking cried my eyes out because it was so beautiful. I cried for so many fucking reasons that by the time I finished I'd cried myself to sleep. At this very moment I hate the mere thought of love because it causes so much pain. It leaves you so vulnerable. It's causing so much anxiety that I don't know how to even deal with it. My chest hurts and my heart feels like it's split into 100 shards of glass. When you become one with someone despite your faults and then you are away from each other.... I feel fucking alone and lost and I fucking hate it.

Thank You Candace

2009-05-01T21:57:00.000-04:00

I want to send a very special thank you over to the beautiful diva, Ms. Candace, at Divalicious Designs for designing this blog for me. She's a complete pleasure to work with. Love her. She can be reached at http://divalicious-designs.blogspot.com/

if you need anything.

Tick Tock

2009-05-01T21:33:00.000-04:00

I wish I could go through life Meisnering all day everyday. It would make life so much simpler. Getting to say EXACTLY what the fuck is on my mind? To anyone? Anywhere? At any time?? Sweeeet. But unfortunately I can't and this is where the face comes in...my stage. I wish I had my acting class all week long...actually scratch that...I don't. Twice a week is good. Some days it's draining...way too emotional , but hey, I love what I do.

This week has been a very tumultuous one for me. Everyone and everything has just either bothered me, irritated, yelled at, or verbally attacked me in some way. I couldn't handle it and the panic attacks came as a 3 in 1 this week. You can't possibly imagine what that was like. One on one day and the other two within 15 minutes of each other on another day. *sigh*

Today I felt lost. I miss him. I am trying to keep myself busy, even trying to pay attention in class...thank God we got out early tonight. I walked to SoHo to try and clear my head in the rain but my own thoughts just keep attacking each other...trying their best to just be louder than one another.

It is driving me insane.

That and the fact that I actually have to be out in public with my glasses on. The horror. I haven't worn specs outside in over 10 years. Thanks to my Lasix consult next week, I have to be in glasses for a minimum of five days for accurate measurements without the pressure of my contacts. I was tortured as a child in my glasses and even though they are a bit better than the coke bottles that adorned my face for pretty much all of my public school years...I am still very self-conscious. I wear my newsboy hat pulled downover my face in hopes that no one can see them.

The things that stick with us.